
Introduction to PACE
PACE is a therapeutic approach developed by Dr. Dan Hughes more than two decades ago, designed to help adults build safe, meaningful, and trusting relationships with children and young people who have experienced trauma. Rooted in attachment-focused family therapy, PACE encourages adults to think, feel, communicate, and behave in ways that help children feel secure. It is not a rigid, step-by-step procedure, but rather a flexible mindset that integrates four essential qualities: Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy.
Children who have lived through traumatic experiences often struggle with trust, connection, and emotional regulation. Their interactions with adults may be shaped by fear, defensiveness, or shame, making it difficult to form stable attachments. PACE aims to create an environment where these children feel safe enough to explore emotions, express themselves, and build resilience. By adopting PACE, adults can slow down their own responses, regulate their emotions, and remain engaged even during challenging moments. This emotional regulation is essential: when adults stay calm and supportive, children are more likely to mirror that stability, gradually learning to manage their own intense emotions.
Ultimately, PACE offers both children and adults a pathway toward understanding, connection, and healing. Instead of focusing primarily on correcting behaviours, it emphasises relationship-building and emotional safety. In this way, it equips caregivers, teachers, and social workers with strategies to guide children through difficult emotions and behaviours, without compromising their sense of self-worth.
Playfulness
Playfulness is the first element of PACE and serves as an important bridge to closeness without fear. Many children affected by trauma may withdraw from joyful experiences, having lost hope in the possibility of fun or shared enjoyment. For some, affection feels threatening, and hugs or overt displays of love may be rejected. A playful stance provides a gentler alternative, allowing warmth and closeness without overwhelming the child.
Playfulness reassures children that conflicts or separations in a relationship are temporary and not damaging to the connection. In tense situations, a light tone of voice, animated facial expressions, or humour can defuse defensiveness and create opportunities for reconnection. This is not about minimising serious misbehaviour but about keeping minor incidents in perspective. For instance, when a child resists transitioning between activities, introducing a playful game or role-play can reduce resistance and maintain cooperation.
Practical strategies for playfulness include storytelling tones rather than lecturing, softening facial expressions, lowering body posture to avoid intimidating presence, or transforming routine tasks into small games. These subtle adjustments communicate warmth and safety while maintaining the adult’s authority.
Importantly, playfulness is not about distracting from difficulties or denying a child’s struggles. Instead, it signals to the child that relationships can contain joy, even in the presence of challenges. For children who expect rejection or punishment, playfulness can be a powerful reassurance that their presence is valued. Over time, playful interactions rebuild a child’s belief in positive connection and create space for emotional growth.
Acceptance
Acceptance in PACE communicates to a child that their inner world—thoughts, feelings, and intentions—is safe from judgment. For many children, especially those shaped by trauma, the fear of being criticised or rejected for their feelings can prevent honest expression. Acceptance means separating the child’s identity and intentions from their behaviours. Adults can challenge unsafe behaviours while still affirming the child’s worth and humanity.
For example, when a child declares, “You hate me,” a typical adult instinct may be to deny or correct the statement. However, PACE encourages an accepting response such as, “I’m sorry it feels that way to you. That must be really painful.” This communicates understanding without dismissal, showing the child that their perspective matters, even if it is painful or inaccurate.
Through acceptance, children learn that conflict does not equal rejection. They discover that behaviours can be addressed and limited without threatening their relationship or self-worth. Adults may say, “I’m disappointed by what you did, but I know you were upset. It doesn’t change how much I care about you.” Such statements reinforce the difference between disapproving of behaviour and rejecting the child as a person.
This practice strengthens children’s confidence in relationships, making them more willing to share vulnerabilities. Acceptance fosters resilience by teaching children that they can be loved despite their mistakes, and that their feelings—whether anger, fear, or sadness—are valid and worthy of attention.
Examples or how to express acceptance:
“I can see how you feel this is unfair. You wanted to play longer”
“You probably think that I don’t care about what you want”
“You were letting me know that you were really scared when you ran
away from me”
“I can hear you saying that you hate me and you’re feeling really cross.
I’ll still be here for you after you calm down”.
“I’m disappointed by what you did, but I know you were really upset. It
doesn’t change how much I care about you”.
Curiosity
Curiosity is the element of PACE that invites children to explore and reflect on the reasons behind their behaviours. Many children, especially those living with trauma, may recognise that their actions are inappropriate but lack the words or awareness to explain why. Instead of asking “Why did you do that?” in a demanding or accusatory way, curiosity involves gentle wondering, aimed at understanding rather than interrogating.
For instance, rather than scolding a child for breaking a toy, an adult might say, “I’m wondering if you broke the toy because you were feeling angry.” Such open-ended reflections give children the opportunity to recognise and articulate their emotions without fear of judgment. The tone is vital: curiosity must be communicated lightly, with compassion rather than frustration.
Curiosity helps children distinguish between their behaviours and their identities. When adults show genuine interest in the underlying feelings—such as sadness, fear, or confusion—children begin to understand that their behaviours are expressions of unmet needs rather than evidence of being “bad.” This reduces shame and defensiveness, replacing them with healthier emotions such as guilt, which can motivate positive change.
Examples of curiosity include phrases like, “I wonder if…,” “Could it be…?,” or “Tell me if I’m getting this wrong.” These sentence starters signal openness and a desire to understand, not to correct. Over time, curiosity builds children’s capacity for self-reflection and strengthens trust in their caregivers.
Examples of curiosity:
“I’m wondering if you broke the toy because you were feeling angry.”
“I’m thinking you’re a little nervous about going back to school today,
and that’s why you don’t want to get ready this morning”.
“I’ve noticed that you’ve been using a really loud voice, and if you’re
trying to tell me that you’re angry with me.”
“I’m a little confused. Usually you love going for a walk, but today you
don’t want to go. I’m wondering what’s different about today”.
“When she couldn’t play with you today, I’m wondering if you thought
that meant she doesn’t like you.”
Empathy
Empathy is the heart of PACE, ensuring children feel that they do not face struggles alone. Empathy involves actively recognising and validating a child’s distress, demonstrating compassion and solidarity. For traumatised children, empathy communicates that their emotions are not too overwhelming or burdensome for the adult to handle.
Showing empathy requires both words and actions. Adults might say, “That must have been so painful,” or “You are really upset right now, and that’s so hard.” Such statements acknowledge the child’s feelings without minimising them. Non-verbal cues, such as calm body language, gentle tone, and attentive presence, reinforce the message.
Importantly, empathy is not about pity or indulgence. It is about recognising that behaviours often stem from deeper struggles and showing willingness to share in those struggles. By doing so, adults demonstrate resilience and commitment, reassuring the child that the relationship remains intact even during difficult moments.
For example, when a child lashes out after feeling excluded, empathy might sound like: “It hurt so much when she didn’t ask you to play. That must have felt confusing.” This helps the child name their emotions and feel understood. Over time, empathy helps children build trust in relationships, knowing that their vulnerabilities will be met with care rather than criticism.
Examples of empathy:
“You are SO upset about this right now. That must be really hard!”
“It hurt so much when she didn’t ask you to play. You were probably
thinking ‘Why did she do that?’ It was a real shock for you.”
“You wanted to have another turn so badly. You were so excited about it
and it’s so unfair that we ran out of time”.
“It seems to you like he hates you. That must be really hard. I know you
like him a lot, so this is pretty confusing”.
“I know it’s hard for you to hear what I’m saying.”
“Me saying ‘No’ has made you angry with me. I get why you don’t want
to talk to me right now”
PACE in Practice
While PACE is simple in principle, applying it consistently in real-life situations can be challenging. Adults often feel the urge to correct or discipline, especially when confronted with disrespect or aggression. Yet practice shows that PACE-oriented responses defuse conflict and build stronger relationships.
Take, for instance, Emily, who becomes angry when denied a turn on the swings, yelling “I hate you!” A typical response might involve correcting her rudeness. A PACE-ful approach, however, acknowledges her anger with playfulness and empathy: “Wow, you’re really angry! It feels rubbish when you can’t do what you want.” Such responses validate her feelings while keeping the relationship intact.
Similarly, when Tom swears at his dad after school, a typical response might be punishment. But with PACE, his dad could say, “I can see you’re really angry. I’m wondering if something happened at school.” This curiosity and empathy create space for Tom to share his feelings rather than escalating conflict.
These examples illustrate how PACE transforms discipline into connection. Instead of viewing behaviours as personal attacks or defiance, adults see them as expressions of inner struggles. By responding with playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy, adults guide children toward emotional regulation, resilience, and trust.
Example:
Emily asks Mum if she can play on the swings. Mum says she can’t as they need to be home soon. Emily gets very upset and angry and starts yelling “that’s so unfair, I hate you. You’re horrible!!!!”
Typical response:
“Emily, don’t be so rude!”
“Life’s unfair!”
“I am not horrible and you don’t hate me.”
PACE-ful response:
“OH WOW [in an animated voice], you’re feeling REALLY ANGRY [with a concerned expression]….you think I’m being mean by not letting you go on the swings when you really want to go…I’m saying no and you really want to go and that feels rubbish…it’s so frustrating when
someone says we can’t do something that we want to do!”
“I’m really sorry you feel that I hate you Emily that must feel awful – no wonder you’re so angry and upset if you think I hate you! I’d want to scream and shout too…”
“It’s rubbish that we can’t do the things we enjoy right now…I’m missing the swings too…maybe we could all have a think about what other games we could on our way home…”
The 4 R’s of Responding with PACE
To support practical application, PACE can be aligned with the “4 R’s of Responding”: Regulate, Relate, Reason, and Repair. These steps provide a framework for managing challenging behaviours while maintaining emotional safety.
Regulate involves calming both the child and the adult. Adults must notice their own emotional state, ensuring they remain calm, compassionate, and engaged. They also help the child regulate by addressing immediate safety concerns and using soothing, light-hearted approaches.
Relate comes next, where adults seek to understand the meaning behind the child’s behaviour. Using curiosity and empathy, they explore the child’s motives, fears, or frustrations, showing genuine interest in their experience.
Reason follows, when the adult and child can discuss the behaviour rationally. Logical consequences may be introduced here, but always in a way that separates the behaviour from the child’s worth.
Repair is the final step, ensuring the relationship remains strong. This might include offering a hug, doing something enjoyable together, or using words and actions to affirm ongoing love and connection.
For example, if a child breaks a jar in a supermarket, a PACE-ful process would involve regulating emotions first, then relating by wondering what feelings triggered the act. Once calm, the child can reason about consequences, such as writing a letter of apology. Finally, repairing the relationship reassures the child that the incident does not damage their bond with the adult.
This structured yet compassionate approach ensures that discipline is balanced with emotional safety, turning difficult incidents into opportunities for growth.
Conclusion
PACE offers a trauma-informed, attachment-based framework for supporting children and young people. By integrating Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy into everyday interactions, adults can build stronger, safer, and more trusting relationships. The approach recognises that behind every challenging behaviour is an unmet need, an unspoken emotion, or a legacy of trauma. Instead of focusing narrowly on behaviour management, PACE invites adults to engage with the whole child, affirming their worth and supporting their healing journey.
Through consistent practice, PACE not only helps children regulate emotions but also strengthens the resilience of caregivers, teachers, and social workers. The “4 R’s of Responding” provide a practical framework for applying these principles, ensuring that discipline and connection go hand in hand. Ultimately, PACE reminds us that children are not problems to be fixed but individuals to be understood, supported, and valued.








